Estonia’s capital has a compact centre with labyrinthine cobbled streets leading up a hill to medieval fortifications and a splendid Russian orthodox church. There is an interesting Occupation Museum, which describes the days of Soviet control, and a wonderful Kumu art gallery displaying modern works as well as older collections.
It is a very pleasant place for a weekend break – lots of cafes, bars and restaurants. There are day trips to the countryside, along the coast, and even across to Helsinki in Finland. But Tallinn is perhaps best known for one thing: its stag and hen parties.
Cheap flights and cheap nightlife have proved a big hit with young crowds. They don’t ruin the city, but a couple of streets are pretty taken over by the raucous crew....
Enough of art, museums and Estonian Institutes? medieval lesbians are waiting. I’m about to attend my “Medieval lesbian strip show”. I’ve joined another stag group at a bar on a cobbled street in the city centre. They’re a bit rougher round the edges than the last lot. They’ve clearly had a lot to drink. And they’re (very) suspicious about my motives.
“No names!” says a scary fellow, who turns out to be the groom. As he says this he points two fingers at me as though he might poke my eyes out. “What goes on tour stays on tour!” he says. And he definitely means it. I begin to wonder if this is all a dreadful mistake.
“We’re very cultured, very philosophical, like Jean Paul Sartre,” says a dishevelled chap who adds that he had his first beer in the morning at Luton airport. He burps a bit. I think his Sartre comment was “ironic”.
“Prague’s had its day. Tallinn is the new Jerusalem: cheap, cheap, cheap. Lots of models. Good drink,” says a guy with a shaved head.
We enter a bar and go to a basement vault where the “Medieval lesbian strip show” is held. “You owe me!” says the scary groom, pointing his fingers at me again. "Is this going to end up as four pages in Monday’s Guardian? I bet it is!” says the best man. “No names!” “OK!” I say. I’ve got the message.
Beer is drunk. Sausages and soup appear. My new companions do not like the soup. “The gruel is off? there’s no apparent taste? a dog would not eat this? please sir, don’t give us any more? Oliver Twist would have walked out,” they tell me in the style of haughty restaurant critics.
Our rep, a pretty blond woman working for www.tallinnpissup.com, who looks terrified by the lads, goes into a side room. Two gorgeous, scantily-clad women arrive. The groom is put on a chair in the middle of the room. Justify My Love by Madonna comes on the stereo. The two gorgeous women are soon no longer scantily clad. The groom refuses to take off his trousers. The women wiggle about. My neighbour says: “The brunnette’s got a boil on her butt.” So she does. The two gorgeous women soon depart. End of “Medieval lesbian strip show”.
We walk to the Hollywood nightclub, via a couple of bars. There is a fight. Nothing to do with our group, but quite close by.
We get to the Hollywood nightclub. It’s all very busy. I meet Anet and the other stag group. Anet and I go to a VIP bit where it’s quieter and she orders shots of green vodka.
We talk for quite a while and Anet says “you’re very reserved” – which no-one has ever told me after I’ve had six pints of lager and several funny green vodkas before.
We polish off more shots, looking down from a balcony at the dancing hordes below. It is raucous, hectic and packed. There are plenty of lovely Estonian women – absolutely loads of them. Everyone is clearly having a lot of fun. There are men dressed as super heroes – Superman, Spiderman – cavorting with beautiful blondes. There are “supermodel” girls in tiny mini-skirts dancing alone like pop star divas. There is a vast scrum of people by the bar, everyone trying to squeeze through to be served.
This is clearly the epicentre of the Tallinn stag experience – Hollywood is the club for stag groups to visit. I wonder to myself: is this really so bad? Everyone loves to criticise stag weekends, but is this really such a terrible thing? Yes, people have had a few – I’ve had a few.
But are these people doing any real “harm”? They don’t seem to be. They just seem to be having a blast – I’m having a blast. From what I’ve seen of the Tallinn stag groups today, they’ve kept themselves to themselves, going to bars and clubs that have clearly been designed precisely with them in mind.
Sure, it does mean that there is a street or two in Tallinn that has been rather taken over by the Brits. But there are plenty of parts of London that have been overrun by tourists – that’s just the way things go these days. Tourism is a big money earner. It’s part of the way of life of almost any city (even ones you haven’t heard of in Eastern Europe).
As I ponder this – obviously going through a reflective green vodka stage - Anet orders yet more shots. We drink yet more shots. We have a great night.
There’s no doubt about it: Tallinn is a fantastic place for a stag do.
Comments